ya know whats interesting? thinking back, what was i doing a year ago today?

Last year, in June, i do not think my life was in a particularly  good spot. i was depressed, i was fucking up at school, i was not going to go to school in the fall, the relationship i was in was totally just falling apart for various reasons. Its just interesting, because this year,right now, i think i might be feeling happier than i ever have. I have everything i need. The best, most supportive family. The most amazing friends. Karlie and i, soul mates, we are going to be in a home one day sitting on a porch being like, do you remember the time when i lit you on fire? (true story). I have an amazing set up of horses, Bayley is such an amazing animal and is so much a part of my life its ridiculous, i will be broken when she’s gone. Tequila and Oakie, my two five year olds, are just amazing. Tequila has a heart of gold and will do anything to make you happy. And Oakie, hes just special, its like he just comes to life when he knows he gets to do his job (barrel racing) and as long as he’s happy, i’m happy. My baby is now a yearling. shes very stunning and i cannot wait to see her when she’s older, i think she will be as equally amazing as her mother. I have a car. Its a 1992 Honda Civic DX special edition. I love that car. I just spent like 400 dollars putting a new fender on her, and giving her a new gas tank. She deserves it after all. And not to mention, i have an incredible boyfriend. I cant even talk about it because the way i feel is beyond words. Its just the truth. Think of everything corny people say about love and i mean thats probably how i feel lol. cause no matter what it comes out corny. but i love that about love. i mean its so special and unique, how can one try to describe it. Shakespeare did it best i believe, in some sonnet.

I feel i’m finally in the right place to start making serious decisions in my life. i feel i’m more mature and i’ve left my past behind me. I’m grateful for the person the past shaped me into, the lessons i learned, but thats over now.  Time for the next chapter in my life, my twenties. 92 days and i will be twenty. I think i’m prepared.

Good luck to those people of my past who aren’t part of my life now. I dont really care for you to be in my life because my life is different now. But good luck to those in it as well, but i’ll be there to love ya and help you through it all the same <3

summer is amazing.. there is so much about it that i love.

i wanna go shopping and buy  some skirts and shorts. i think i have enough tank tops for the summer lol.

LOVE it that its hot. coudln’t be happier right now.

I’m in such a good place it isn’t funny <3

+25 days until June 1st aka my summer begins

+super pumped about my may24 with miss kayla.

+finally starting to save money

+<3 my boy

+could not be happier karlie and megan are back in town.

+just thought y’all should know

i wanna get my hair done. my hair just feels so… grown out and faded. not at all me. must pay off debts. then i can think about getting my hair done.

fuck bills. fuck the rest of winter. fuck ontario and the stupid gonverment raping the already raped struggling poor class. like yeah ok the unemployed just do what they do. i dont know how they do it. but there they are. i think the secret to living off of unemployment is to totally cut personal hygeine out of your budget. and i’m talking something as simple as soap.

but these people who have jobs and slave away to try to keep a roof on their head, to pay their debts, to feed themselves, to have electricity. no they are not as worse off as a kid in africa dying of something. that is really sad and unfortunate and unfair too. but. maybe its time for everyone, rich  and dirrrrty rich to poor and dirrrrrrty poor, to take a good look at themselves. and know the limits. and know where to stop. and know when its become time to just help people out.

I dont know a lot of politics or society bull shit. i live my own life. i struggle to keep what i have. but its worth it. its just sad to see things change and know that i didn’t do anything wrong and i’m going to be penilized for it.

I guess we’ll see….

No. I probably wont ever return to school out of a desire to learn about some new passion awoken inside me, something i’ve just suddenly realized i want to be, something i will be good at, something i will love to do. Ha. if only.

The only reason i’m seeing to return is monetary. i way to make money until i can get my life sorted out. to save up money for the life i want.

the very thought makes me smile. the life that i want. if i have my way, i doubt i’ll be marrying rich ha ha ha. not poor, but not rich. on a farm, not far from whatever city will make him happiest, and easier for me. i understand that I’m going to need a little more clientele…

I think there are only two things in this world I’m good at. Riding horses. and loving those that deserve it.

Thinking back, the people who had my love, but didnt need it, or didn’t deserve it, didn’t last long in my life. i might just be crazy and this notion just might all be some advance thought in my head. Something i want there.  But, its real enough for me.

This was a weird round a bout way of trying to explain my life. to myself. on the internet so maybe somebody could reassure me, understand me.

I’m ridiculously happy. though things are not so sure. for once, I’m confident.

i wish i didn’t need to doubt so much.

but right now that’s all that’s in my head.

i know i’m wrong. at least, that’s what i hope.

sometimes i wonder if…. this is all…. just, a way to justify. to balance out my life. to experience heartbreak first hand. i can see it happening.

and then i’ll understand.

doubt just makes things all the more …. hazy.

lets see. life update. micro update. micro raptor ? ha ha those were on the tv yesterday. its this dinosaur with 4 wings? random.

lets see. horses. oakie has been so awesome all winter. i absolutely love him.  bayler is really coming along as well. i had the chriro come look at her and he fixed her up a bit and shes been so awesome. she just works ya know? i missed riding her so much. i started riding tequila again and now that she has all that bad winter energy out she is starting to work like a dream again. i missed her too! she can be quite the silly mare. as for music ( the horse i’m breaking for kim) thats going really well. we can walk jog and stop. although he really isn’t a fan of stopping and i’m not sure why he doesn’t like the bit.

food basics is going i guess. sometimes i go in there and my day goes really well. people are nice my fellow employees make me laugh. and sometimes i go in there and its like .. why the fuck do i do this job for minimum wage. i mean, i worked a nine and half on a sunday and had these customers that were just dicks and like accused me of stealing and it just hurts ya know. because i get paid so little and i try so hard. but whatever. its just a stupid job and i shouldn’t take it so seriously.

as far as my relationship goes.. its going awesome. i cant really eloborate on it cause, well, theres nothing else to it<3

i have been spending more time with friends and chad and getting out of the house more which is really nice.

anyway. there we go.

my car always brings me back to where i need to be.

your arms.

no matter how far i drive or where i go, that’s where she’s really taking me.

i always have regretted the last thing i said to my nan was Hi.  I’ve always felt so bad in the sense that she didn’t live to see her grandchildren get married, or her first great grandson. she didn’t even live to see her grandchildren finish high school.

i remember losing faith in the world becuase all i really wanted was for her to be ok.

i think my mom lost faith in the world too, and faith in me. that’s when her and i took a turn for the worse.  only now do we have a somewhat working “relationship”.

it’s just something i’ve never gotten over.  and now. i just have no idea how to help.

tonight i felt something very real. something i’d been looking for for a long time.